Yesterday,
was hard.
I felt like giving up, I didn't know really where my next glimpse of hope would lay. Like I've mentioned before (maybe) this negative nature is unlike me at all, but yet I'm dealing with it. So yesterday I did what I do best, I opened the entertainment center door and looked pleadingly at the movies that hid inside, hoping that one would just call to me. You see, what often happens is when I'm feeling sad or feeling down for some reason God tends to use movies to speak to me. He has taught me so many things just by listening intently to dialogue in a movie...and God will display it differently in my ears to cater it to whatever situation I'm dealing with. It's a beautiful thing, it probably has so a lot to do with why I have such a passion for movies, and reasoning for why I want to be in the film industry. It's not for the money or for the fame, it's because movies have literally picked me out of a inevitable darkness, but that's a story for a different day.
So while there were piles of movies I loved, I picked one I've never seen, because I thought I wouldnt like it, but it felt perfect for that day.
I began watching the movie with low expectations, but then it suddenly altered my mood. I quickly remembered why I loved doing this, and along with it I realized why God had picked it for me. There are two things really.
"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void. "
Remember how I said God sometimes tweaks things in my mind to have them mean exactly what I need them to...well this is the first case of this. This was His way of telling me that "Sade, you're doing exactly what I have asked of you. You are being brave." I could have been set with my valuable, yet small life back home, settled into a secure life with secure friends, but that's not what I was called for. It was assuring getting such a definite answer to a question that keeps replaying in my mind every time I fall back to square one.
"People are always saying that change is a good thing. But all they're really saying is that something you didn't want to happen at all... has happened. My store is closing this week. I own a store, did I ever tell you that? It's a lovely store, and in a week it'll be something really depressing, like a Baby Gap. Soon, it'll be just a memory. In fact, someone, some foolish person, will probably think it's a tribute to this city, the way it keeps changing on you, the way you can never count on it, or something. I know because that's the sort of thing I'm always saying. But the truth is... I'm heartbroken. I feel as if a part of me has died, and my mother has died all over again, and no one can ever make it right."
Honestly, this quote....I don't know why but for some reason it seemed to put into words what I simply couldn't. Although the situations is 100% different than mine...the feelings she was feeling the hurt, the disappointment the emptiness that was soon to take over seemed to match mine indefinitely. I don't know how but this movie altered my mood. I did a complete 180 in how I felt. Maybe because I felt like I could relate and in the end...like always she came out on top.
The funny thing is this movie is a love story, and hope is the only thing I fell in love with.
